I never imagined that I'd ever even think about writing a blog. I mean, come on. I would be mortified if any of my journaling attempts were thrown out there into the public arena - why would I consider publishing anything personal anywhere on the internet? I've appreciated the few blogs I've read over the years and found some solace in sharing life's struggles with complete strangers who share feelings similar to mine. So I guess I should first define my purpose for embarking on this journey. Religious leaders have long advised us to keep journals for the benefit of others. Old family journals tie generations together in otherwise sterile family trees. Maybe I hope that the effort that goes into documenting one's thoughts will relive a burden that comes from the instinctive responsibility to pass some tidbit of wisdom to my children. I guess the purpose is to take a few minutes of pause now and then to reflect and free my soul of the weight it carries. I hope the journey is not too painful for the reader.
Rules. I feel like we should outline rules for this endeavor: 1) No personally identifiable information will be shared. Maybe someday I'll give my children the address for a blog I think they should follow, but for now, it shall just be a place to document the ramblings of my mind. This will be a challenge, because anyone who knows me will tell you that I am an open book. 2) Don't expect regular postings. Heaven knows I don't have a spare minute - I'm not sure how I think I could possibly keep up a blog. 3) Please don't judge me. Please assume that I'm doing my best as I navigate this world and I will do the same for you.
Ok, so I guess we can get started.
Today, I spent the day with my mother. She is 72 years old, has been a widow for 14 years, and had a nasty bout with Shingles 7 years ago that she's never really recovered from. Is it bad to dive right into a deep subject? If so, I apologize. But, this is where my thoughts are. A couple of weeks ago, she called my husband an I together so she could say her peace to us - she wants to put her affairs in order and join my Dad on the other side. She's been mad at him for leaving her here and she's been in a lot of pain. I'm just not sure that she's not going to be with us for another 10 years - it's not her dying that scares me, it is the things that are worse than death that do. The suffering, the pain, the long and lonely nights, the hoping and praying for relief when there is none to be found. She and I went over the files she's had since my Dad and she prepared their Living Trust years ago and found that she did not have a Living Will. So, we used an online service to prepare a Living Will, Healthcare Power of Attorney, and Power of Attorney. She asked me to be her agent for all, which I am happy to do for her. I'm sure this part of my life will be the subject of more than this entry.
My children are amazing. I have two daughers, ages 10 and 7 (going on 19 and 12). They are the light of my life. My husband is equally amazing, although I don't tell him that nearly enough. This year, we will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary, with hopes of decades more to come. I work full-time and am in graduate school, my husband is a pilot in the first years of his career. Some weeks we hardly see each other, but we try to make the most of the time we do have together.
How long are blog posts supposed to be? Is it like my high school English teacher's response to how long an essay should be? He would say, "like a miniskirt: long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting." I'm not sure if I accomplished either here, but I shall leave that for you to determine. Thank you for your patience as I navigate the wanderings of an exhausted mind.
